Good morning, it’s Thursday, and that means I’m going to post a throwback from my earlier posts. Essentially a re-post of an old archived post with new notes and observations.
Anything added(except grammar and spelling corrections) are marked in green within the original Post’s text.
The next post I’m going to revisit is That Is Disgusting . Originally posted on Aug 26, 2016 8:04 AM. The reason I’m revisiting is that I love how gross it is and it reminds me that people can be disgusting. Also, this is a good opportunity to show how I would now revise this story to remove the overly abundant filter words etc.
That Is Disgusting
People can be gross, I mean really gross. They do things that make me cringe. (People can still be super gross. That hasn’t changed)
When a character does something disgusting and it’s shown and not told, I will be disgusted too. And that is the entire point of reading a book. I want to be in the story. I want to feel it.
I will highlight filter words adverbs and words ending in ING.
For example:
Billy sat in the back corner of the coffee shop. In one hand, he held his book. With the other, he carefully dislodged a decent clump of moist mucus from his nose. After examining his generous prize, he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger as he continued to read. Without a thought, he flicked the carefully constructed ball. He happened to see it plunk into the cup of coffee on the table next to his.
He glanced around quickly, nobody was looking. Nobody Witnessed the once in a lifetime accidental shot. Feigning interest in his book, the devil in his head urged him to silence. He watched the snotty woman in a pale green sweater sip her coffee-surprise. Had she not been so incredibly rude to him earlier he might have spoken up. Then again, he might not have.
When the woman finished her present, Billy got up to leave, pausing at her table.
“Good coffee?”
She looked up from her tablet, her face morphed into a sneer and she tutted. “It’s a latte, and I’m still not interested in someone,” she looked him up and down, “like you.” She dismissed him completely giving her tablet her attention.
Billy walked away, a slow, satisfied smile creeping to his lips.
I loved writing this because Billy the bad-guy is as much a victim as the woman who is horrible in her own way.
Today, I would revise the sentences to remove the adverbs etc.
After examining his generous prize,
After he examined his generous prize,
Without a thought, he flicked the carefully constructed ball.
I might or might not change the second example with ‘carefully’ that one’s not too bad.
He happened to see it plunk into the cup of coffee on the table next to his.
The ball plunked into the cup of coffee on the table next to his.
This one was easy, I get wordy and the first four words were unnecessary.
This entire next sentence would now be removed. It is unnecessary since I say the same thing worded differently in the next sentence.
He glanced around quickly, nobody was looking.
He glanced around quickly, nobody was looking.
Feigning interest in his book,
Billy feigned interest in his book,
Sometimes a rewrite of a sentence is needed.
Had she not been so incredibly rude to him earlier he might have spoken up.
Had she had chosen to be polite to him earlier he might have spoken up.
When the woman finished her present, Billy got up to leave, pausing at her table.
Once she finished her gooey gift, Billy stood to leave and paused at her table.
When I revise with the ING, adverbs, filter words and crutch words highlighted, I often find ways to improve a sentence beyond fixing just the immediate problem words.
She dismissed him completely giving her tablet her attention.
She dismissed him and gave her tablet her attention.
Sometimes removing words that are unnecessary such as “Completely” will strengthen a sentence. Now if I were to “Show” a bit more, I would write it like this:
She dismissed him with a flick of her hand then gave her tablet her attention.
The last example has “walking” in it. A double whammy. Walk and ING. I can do better.
Billy walked away, a slow satisfied smile creeping to his lips.
Billy sauntered away, as a slow, satisfied smile crept to his lips.
While a thesaurus is good to replace some “Walk” out, not all of them need to go and it is important to be careful what word you replace it with. Sashay or traipse would not work here. I don’t replace all incidences of Walk, walked or walking but I do check to see if there is a better alternative.
Billy has a habit. He likes to pick his nose. It’s called rhinotillexis. If he eats it, it’s called Mucophagy. Does the reader need to know the specific detail of what the act is called? Maybe. If it’s relevant to the story. Otherwise, leave it as a quirk or bad habit.
Cringe-worthy things happen all the time. Like when someone hands you money that was carefully tucked away in her abundant sweaty cleavage. What bothers you might not bother someone else.
Here is the newly revised story.
Billy sat in the back corner of the coffee shop. In one hand, he held his book. With the other, he carefully dislodged a decent clump of moist mucus from his nose. After he examined his generous prize, he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger as he continued to read. Without a thought, he flicked the carefully constructed ball. The ball plunked into the cup of coffee on the table next to his.
Nobody Witnessed the once in a lifetime accidental shot. Billy feigned interest in his book, the devil in his head urged him to silence. He watched the snotty woman in a pale green sweater sip her coffee-surprise. Had she had chosen to be polite to him earlier he might have spoken up. Then again, he might not have.
Once she finished her gooey gift, Billy stood to leave and paused at her table.
“Good coffee?”
She looked up from her tablet, her face morphed into a sneer and she tutted. “It’s a latte, and I’m still not interested in someone,” she looked him up and down, “like you.” She dismissed him with a flick of her hand then gave her tablet her attention.
Billy sauntered away, as a slow, satisfied smile crept to his lips.
My advice about grossing out your readers.
If it gives you the heebie-jeebies or turns your stomach, it’s safe to use. My example was a very long way to say, – He picked his nose, flicked it into the shrew’s drink and watched as she drank it. – Blech.
-Sheryl
Don’t forget to check out, share and follow the new daily prompt I host. A new word every day!
Today’s word is Abundant. https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/04/your-daily-word-prompt-abundant-October-4-2018/
Summer is coming to an end. Summer is a time when I am too busy with activities, vacation, writing, and work. I often find my attention sundered and stretched to its limit. What I wouldn’t give to have more time in the day, I’m sure everyone says or feels that at some point.
I wrote a book. Now what? 